Review of 2021: Fighting My Sumo

As November arrives, the ending bells of the year start to ring ever so loudly. It echos yet another epic pandemic year flashing by. The dominant theme that came to me, as I looked back at 2021, was the battle of wills between little me and the towering, stubborn, and anxiety-provoking post-Covid world. And a nagging question, “So what have I achieved in 2021?”

Not much, I would say on the surface of it. The fight was mainly to stay in the same spot! I have caught myself saying this to many clients in therapy sessions. “If you have not backed off, gone on a curve, or simply given up, you are in a good position.”

Fighting a Sumo was an art of how to remain standing as much as it was about executing an offense strategy. As the Sumo tried to corner or force me out of the ring, I had the option to resist (withstand action) or desist (stop-action).

And desist I did because staying the course alone has been the hardest thing in 2021. The external and internal obstacles were immense as the pandemic wore on, testing even the most patient of us. Project delays, false starts, deferment of plans, working alone, and endless adaptation to changing protocols invited a general malaise to descend. There was only so much that I could do to revive hope, only to have it extinguished shortly after.

My mind and body seemed to be ramming against an immovable obstacle, way too big to avoid or surmount. I get bounced off back to the same place in the fighting ring.  And since I was stubborn, I made many attempts with the fiercest tactics I could mobilize. Though it eventually tired me out. Many people shared, on best days, they felt “meh” and languishing. Me too!

In the internal realm, the fight took on emotional monsters of doubt. I wondered if my sense of helplessness and lack of control was a defining personal flaw and seal of incompetence. Many people remain extremely successful despite everything, and hence magnified my self-flagellation. The internal wounding was more detrimental than external blows.

Odd as it was when my mind started closing in forcefully, my spirit expanded in defiance like a balloon to buoy my soul. And the soul began to rejuvenate and breathe. The backup generator worked its magic. My spirit was the little voice that brought inner joy, energy, and motivation. The still voice encouraged me to see a new perspective, involving some reworking of strategies and extended lengths of patience. The insight this time said, “Observe and wait, June.”

And hence in abiding by the “observe, wait, desist if cannot advance” war chant, I have mastered the ability to focus on a few things but explore them in greater depth and consideration. I must confess that this is a luxury that was not affordable to me for the last decade. The game was then about pure offense - conquering, pushing forward, and attaining expanding lists of things to do and complete. At best, a jack of many trades. The pulsating pace and adrenalin rush was addictive and pleasure pill to feed on more frenzy. While all the time, unable to fully grasp or be present at the moment, frequently erupting in sweats of worry about the sustainability of such high maintenance life.

Alas, excess restless energy usually expanded outwards began to turn inward in the latter part of 2021. Some life and meaningful activity returned to my inner spirit and soul. Feeding my inner man with new knowledge, ways of thinking, or simply resting was indeed transformative. I can now work on something dedicatedly, incubate the same ideas for weeks. And yet find discoveries each week. Meaningful progress grew on the back of similar threads, slowly building into more substantial pieces of work, weaving a fabric of modest creative breakthroughs. Going deep instead of big had its remarkable merits.

And so, the little me has grown in the quality of my fighting chops and ability to regulate the rejuvenating “chi” balancing the yin and yang. Outwardly I have not grown larger or more menacing, but I believe I am sturdier, tougher, and more grounded. Making me harder to push around or intimidate despite my minute size. A good way to hold my ground to fend off the gargantuan Sumos waiting to occupy my mind and environment. In any case, even Sumos get fatigued eventually.

After all, when I cannot turn around the harsh environment or scare away the enemy, good things can still happen if I stay and fight. Staying in the same position, I propose, is certainly also worthy of some celebration. And can be fulfilling too. Kudos to those of you, who like me, have held steadfast and stayed your course! Congratulations.

 

Han Li June