My Whale Journey

 

[Han] Hail a Whale!, digital art 

Sometimes I think I need to take radical transport to go to special places, especially the ones which fill me with great trepidation. The less efficient, more organic, the longer time it takes, the better. It provides for more preparation, regurgitation time and ample space for failures.

Much like Jonah’s mission to go to Nineveh was fraught with resistance till a big fish (or whale) swallowed him whole and spitted him out where he needed to be. Or Dory and Marlin who travelled in the belly of a whale to get to Sydney to find Nemo, exiting resplendently through a blow hole. Time inside the whale allowed for much needed self-wrangling, drama and inner discovery. Ultimately it delivers the traveler in an altered form from where he or she started, and in a very different place. I call this a whale journey.

I was inspired to start on an extended writing project earlier this year. The idea was new, bold and felt impactful. The project will last at least two years. I thought through it and felt it was worth the effort. Though, once I started on it I felt like a cavernous hole opened up and swallowed me within. I was moving forwards, feeling the motion but not knowing where I was going. Inside the dark belly cavern, I felt sloshed about and treated to new terrain, sights and smells. Occasionally the blow hole opened up and steam was blown through. All the time I was waiting and wondering if I might be expelled prematurely. Unlike past projects where all the steps were clear, familiar and results expected, this one was less obvious. The thing is, all things creative bear risks. Stars need to align. Apart from the artist who may labor over the art, few may appreciate its artistry or intentions. 

The easier way will be to abort and continue to write smaller pieces of work. I can avoid being in a whale. In doing short pieces, I continue to gain gratuitous acknowledgement and feel the instant gratification. A quick feedback always gets the adrenaline going, the achievement motive satisfied. There is no need to consider storylines, editorial concept, ethics, writing style, and a myriad of quandaries which larger projects demanded.

“I need to take a whale journey!” I caught myself exclaiming last week as I was musing over the viability of the project. So loud on the inside, so echoic in its ring, so deep it went that it appeared in my drawing subconsciously. In the drawing, I had packed myself a bag and hailed for a whale on the beach. What was happening? Where was I headed?

I began to think it is timely that I go on longer journeys with my art, the kinds that can meander, wander uncontrollably, even stay motionless at times and evolve haplessly for a while till a shape begins to appear. For the veteran artist, this is mundane. For me this is new territory. My venture into art therapy certainly has informed me the wisdom of embracing impermanence, uncertainty and open endings. It sounds all romantic but in fact need a ton of patience and faith.

Operating without clear outcomes is good for me. I have realized the futility of myself looking for functionality, speed and definable endings as an instinctual navigation device, without which I get invariably lost. While this was a good trait for a profit making job from my past, it was counterintuitive for an artist or therapist. I find myself looking for efficiency in eliminating feelings which were uncomfortable and expounding on the practical purpose of my paintings, when in fact there are none such quantifiable measures. The times that I truly immerse myself in the art process or in therapy - be with a person without a problem solving hat on and a thick note pad, is when magic happens. The emotions intuitively find their way, words find release, strokes flow and an unsuspecting calm and ingenious answer emerges. It is serendipity, flow, trust in the process that birth originality! Good art and therapeutic encounters thrive on these similar elements.

And so, starting on an extended writing project that will labor me for years will be one of these artistic and therapeutic ventures. I will no doubt frustrate myself and have it press all the panic buttons I have on my shirt when outcomes are not forthcoming. Or worse, risk the project being put on hold halfway, or be denied of publication in the end. But I guess the learnings to be gained from this journey in a whale will be well worth the risks. For if I do not go beyond my own boundaries, how do I develop creative ideas that transcend or truly empathize with clients in therapy who operate at the edge. Wish me luck, as I embark on my whale journey!  

Han Li June