I am a Time Traveler

[Han] Remains, digital artwork

Do you relish and enjoy living in the past? I do. Some people call me sentimental, a hapless romantic. Others share their concern that I do not seem to be able to move on with my life. I think I am guilty of all as charged. In fact, I seem to be often absent from the present, and frequently teleporting to far flung places in the past.

One of my favorite hang-out eras would be my high school and university days. Reminiscing about past events, relationships and accomplishments consume much of my idle time. Things appear to be so hopeful, full of possibilities and exhilarating then. The orientation parties, living on my own, new encounters, first dates, countless travels...Like chapters etched in my memory, they reappear whenever a familiar song, person, or symbol representing that era pops up. Much like a movie on replay, but filtered through rosy lenses. The magic of memories.

The older I get, the more passionate the recollection becomes. I think I tend to travel to times where I failed to pay attention while things were unravelling. Some were joyous moments that zipped past too quickly and hence needed more savoring. Others were challenging moments that I desperately wanted to avoid. Though many years have passed, these rushed moments do not seem to fade from memory. I find myself going back and reshooting these movies with different scripts and cinematic effects. Though I desire a change in the endings, I have not been successful manipulating the outcomes. I guess I am just trying to get an emotional closure. Accepting endings can be heart-rending, but is a key part of moving on. It helps inspire better beginnings.

With benefit of age and time, I think I have gathered more courage for genuine curiosity, and wisdom to dissect the “what happened” and “who’d dun it”. This is easier to do now than in the past as I am more distant from irrational feelings, and can see things more objectively. I begin to realize intriguing patterns. No longer “firsts”, I see my actions recur across significant milestones. Like my tendency to make decisions impulsively. Over time, these actions, initially refreshing, have become stubborn traits that create indelible marks, increasingly unchangeable. Along the way, there have been repercussions, and people get hurt by my actions. Tracing where these episodes started help to put things in sharper perspective.

Revisiting the past provides me not only hindsight, some much needed closure, but also a safe shelter from current reality, an illusion that things could still be malleable and not yet cast in stone. An escape to a time before real consequences and responsibilities.    

The other time travels are to hang-out places of a bittersweet nature, like the times I return to be with my grandmother. Though she has passed on years ago, I have not really registered it. To my mind, we still spend much time listening to the radio and watching television, just like when I was nine years old. I was one of those kids who make good company as I hardly complained and was easily lulled into beguiling dramas and their storylines. She used to tell everyone that I was her only grandchild who teared up so often while watching television. We were rather alike – both sensitive and sentimental. We seldom spoke but understood each other. She was a woman of great intellect and capability but limited by the social circumstances of her time. I shared her angst, loneliness and regret along with the little joys she had. The stories she told continue to resonate. Since she passed I have yet to meet anyone who share such an intense connection with me. In my time travels, I relive the unconditional bond and love we shared, and that sustains me as I face the vicissitudes of daily life. I draw many lessons from how my grandmother lived her life and made decisions – good or bad, and these truths have been invaluable. Occasionally I will interview her, and when her views validate my own, I gain immeasurable confidence.

And so, I think time travelling to the past, is an important part of living, and is fuel for shaping a more fulfilling future. As we age, the proportion of our past increases versus that of the future. If I have truly not moved on, I should be able to dwell in the past a little longer. The movie must be allowed to play to its full audience to elicit its rich interpretations before ending. The nuances are not always obvious on first runs.

Revisiting the past at will, provides opportunities for empowerment, a chance to be kind to ourselves, to be given a second shot, see things from a different perspective and find nourishing warmth. I have come to be more empathetic, open to acknowledging past wounds and confronting poor decisions. Saying sorry and facing up to people I have hurt has been life changing. Re-experiencing past joys bring gratitude to the fore. Most importantly, it has made me more appreciative of what I do with my time now, reminding me of the relationships I must cherish, cautioning me from running away when things get difficult. I foresee this healing time travel to continue for many years to come.

When I was little, I could not wait to travel to the future and reach my destination. It was critical then for developing my imagination, and buoyed my sense of hope and adventure. Some of the scenes I imagined years ago have indeed come true.

I think now I have come a full circle. I have truly attained the complete status of a time traveler, for I have the ability to not only travel forward to the future but also backwards into the past. This journeying through time and space have also inspired my creative life substantially. I suppose the only issue with so much time travelling is not to be caught in the wrong era, at the wrong time! And to remember to return to the present. If we ever meet and you notice I am missing, you should not be surprised. 

Han Li June